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Topic: Your Best Jokes - Post 'Em Here

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Old 05-12-2007, 01:02 AM
#1
 
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Your Best Jokes - Post 'Em Here

Here's mine, to start this off:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Enjoy!



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Old 05-12-2007, 01:41 AM
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Couldn't put everything in one thread huh... ?



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Old 05-12-2007, 01:49 PM
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Oh man that is hysterical! That was too funny. Here's two that are pretty funny:

1. A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"


2. A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes.

One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing.

Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter.

The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number".

When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter.

One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"



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Old 05-15-2007, 12:03 AM
#4
 
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Join Date: May 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L33tG4m3r
Here's mine, to start this off:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Enjoy!
omg that is so funny!
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Old 05-18-2007, 10:22 PM
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i guess you have comedy central joke of the day on your google homepage, eh?
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Old 05-20-2007, 08:00 PM
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that was pretty good mate.
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Old 05-20-2007, 08:45 PM
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My old drivers ed teacher told this one:

A brunette is standing on a railroad track shouting "23, 23, 23!".

A blond walks up to her and says, "Hey, can I try that?"

"Sure", says the brunette.

So the blond steps onto the railroad tracks and shouts, "23, 23, 23!"

All of a sudden a train comes and whacks the blonde out of sight.

The brunette steps back onto the tracks and shouts, "24, 24, 24!"



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Old 05-21-2007, 05:22 AM
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Haha Bonk, that was quite funny!



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Old 04-05-2008, 11:00 AM
#9
 
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Talking The new American reneck wife Jokes:

I have worked with women for over twenty years and hear are some of the funny things I have heard from them. Disclaimer: these jokes may not reflect my personal or private life.
The new American reneck wife Jokes:
1. Everyone calls you T-R-O-U-B-L-E when you walk through the door and they write a song about it.
2. When your neighbors only visit on holidays with the cops looking for their children who just had a hot dog at your 4th of July picnic. (Those traitors)
3. When there is not enough charm in the heavens to fix your husbands rejection.
4. When you are talking to the neighbors and you have to defend the position that your house does contain some dirt. That your husband would gladly state that your house is the most chaos house on the street. But the neighbor is not convinced.
5. When your recipe book is dedicated to Big Daddy Bruno.
6. You get a call from your daughter who wants you to watch a baby you have never met. While the mom is out of town who can not pay. While your daughter is out of town and she wants to pay you to watch the baby. Who you have never met but the rest of the family has met.
7. You visit your lawyer and he state “They just do not like you” you have no case.
8. You go to work and you get fired for doing a good job. (Hint: Do not bring pictures to work for the bulletin board they can attract to much attention.)
9. The neighbor waits 45 minutes after your husband leaves to get his hand bit by your dog after he sticks his hand under the fence. He wants you to open the door. There are five other guys on the street.
10. While cooking together with friends, they add salt to your gravy.
11. After talking with your mother, she informs Princess Di of the date your husband is going to file for divorce for your wrong doing. Just to inform her that Charles has never given up on his first love that he visits at least once a quarter. She is disappointed not that he has another but that she had some other motive.
12. They move you back in training because they have no one to teach you.
13. You get lumped in with the boss even though you do not get their salary. When the boss gets canned you do to. (You always get along better with the boys so it seems on the surface.)
14. The elders want to take it away from you. Just because they can.
15. If you feel rejection then they get to comfort you.
16. Isolation can be a god send and a prison sentence at the same time.
17. Remember they will protect their buddies 90% is at stake.
18. Your children will abandon you if you prove to be too difficult to divorce. Yet, if you divorce then the gang recruitment begins for them.
19. Domestic violence is a great tool to get those whom they don’t want to follow to stay and for him to go to your best friend for comfort.
20. Traveling abroad needs one of his buddies to show up and validate his status.
21. Never threaten to cross the boarder in elude of a divorce. It can cost you your job.
22. Lack of creditability is essential for plundering and pilfering. Wine and other drugs are essential tools for those who want what you have.
23. Your son states that if you went on the “swap wives” TV shows that the other husband would not be nice to you either. (There is no hope.)
24. Some how it is always the women who have it out for you. But, it is the men who are always looking back and listening for clues. They are so coy.
25. The competition gets more money for the job that you do. Plus, your kids get braces for free if they win. (foster care way to go)
26. When you take the five year old child down the block for an ice cream and two years later they still are calling him an outlaw.
27. You are nice by helping a young mother who just gave birth by saying you hear her concerns and you just started World War III. (After all how is half of the county going to eat if she is happy and well cared for? Who is going to run around with them if she has bunch of young ones running after her.)
28. If it is not tape recorded or video taped it did not happen. Even if you tape it and they are found to be silly. They just say well “they don’t like you” you have no case.
29. You’re not a heart patient you have asthma No Aspirin, dyes or sea food products please. What is the big deal with sharing this information?
30. When considering a prison guard by moving around to much and traveling; just hope he is federal. They are “hot”. Monkeys see no evil, hear no evil, and most importantly say nothing that may take offense to those who have your keys to your cell. (Like your husband) This includes comments made at work. They don’t call it the old buddies system for nothing. They are the keys to a happy home. I always wandered why I was not trusted to hold all the keys.
31. When the prostitute defends your husband by saying to you “you’re not creditable or trust worthy”.
32. When you and your husband are arguing and he makes you feel sorry for your female neighbor who is getting radiation treatments that are twice the required normal dose. You quitely inform him of the mortality of his male friend who is married to this neighbor by stating: the patient is radioactive therefore anyone close to the patient has equal increased risk. Two days later the radiation therpy stops.
33. When the conversation from a friend tries to convince you that “blood sucking” from your husband should be consenual, however you already believe your there everytime you go to pay the bills. (Thank god for the red cross)
34. When the Palestine refuges plight by being a refuge sounds a lot like your own families stories. When they were middle class land owners in West Virginia and now even with education, they just can not seem to hold the jobs. (Way to go bullies)
35. When you look at the web site http://www.localharvest.org/ you notice that the strip joints out number the farms in West Virginia. Registered Farms are 21 and Strip joints are 84. It is true less jobs in the field only know one cotton picker she is in her seventies. Working the pole is now the prefered job for this population. At least, they are working behind closed doors.
 
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Old 05-17-2008, 10:18 PM
#10
 
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Location: Michigan
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonk
My old drivers ed teacher told this one:

A brunette is standing on a railroad track shouting "23, 23, 23!".

A blond walks up to her and says, "Hey, can I try that?"

"Sure", says the brunette.

So the blond steps onto the railroad tracks and shouts, "23, 23, 23!"

All of a sudden a train comes and whacks the blonde out of sight.

The brunette steps back onto the tracks and shouts, "24, 24, 24!"
OMG, 2nd time reading it and I finally understood it... This was way funny
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Old 10-02-2010, 10:41 PM
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My favorite joke EVER, warning: VERY adult content...

A man's wife has begun complaining about their lack of sex since the man is a big time lawyer and is almost always away on business. The woman collects sex toys, however, so her husband decides to visit the local store and surprise her later that night. He gets to the store and starts looking around, but his wife already has one of every dildo in the shop. He walks up to the employee and asks if they have anything there that would heat things up for her, even while he's not at home. The employee pulls out a box and says, "Behold. This is Voodoo D*ck." The man looks into the box and sees a normal looking dildo, nothing special. Then the employee says, "Voodoo D*ck! Rise!" The Voodoo D*ck begins floating immediately. The employee then says, "Voodoo D*ck! Box!" Voodoo D*ck returns to the box. The man is amazed and buys Voodoo D*ck without hesitation. Later that evening, he shows it to his wife, saying, "Voodoo D*ck! Rise!" Voodoo D*ck floats up from the box, shocking his wife. He then says, "Voodoo D*ck! C*nt!" Voodoo D*ck flies over and just starts nailing his wife. His wife, of course, is loving this entirely too much, so he commands Voodoo D*ck to go back to its box. They finish up that night, and the next morning, the man leaves for a case. His wife, naturally, pulls out Voodoo D*ck while he's gone. She says, "Voodoo D*ck! C*nt!" Again, Voodoo D*ck starts nailing her. Eventually though, she gets so into it, she forgets how to stop it. She looks at the bag and decides to go to the store her husband bought it at and ask them how to get it to stop. So she gets in her house robe and gets in her car, Voodoo D*ck still doing its job, and starts speeding to the toy store. Naturally, she gets pulled over on her way there. The cop comes over to her window and asks why she was going 90 in a 30, so she explains the story of Voodoo D*ck and how she forgot the words to get it to stop and everything. The annoyed cop looks at her for a second in total disbelief, then says, "Voodoo D*ck, my a$$.." XD
 
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:30 AM
#12
 
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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Old 04-14-2015, 05:46 PM
#13
 
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 19

Male Logic


Critical Thinking At Its Best!


Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes


Woman:
How many beers a day?


Man:
Usually about 3


Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?


Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?


Man:
About 20 years, I suppose


Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?


Man:
Correct


Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?


Man:
Correct


Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the
past 20 years,
you could have now bought a new Ferrari?


Man:
Do you drink beer?


Woman:
No


Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
































Sent from my ancient but trustworthy iPhone 5. ☮
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Old 05-06-2015, 11:37 AM
#14
 
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1
Wink

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
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Old 07-01-2015, 02:23 AM
#15
 
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Location: Shenzhen
Posts: 8

Quote:
Originally Posted by janeausten View Post
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
lol
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Topic: Your Best Jokes - Post 'Em Here

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